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Marina Walser

Depression is my affliction. Anxiety is my crux. I sit in this dark abyss, I know they’re taking control and I can’t take the reins back from them. I feel like my chest is caving in and it feels like it’s getting harder to breathe. I can’t shake my sadness, I can’t get rid of this feeling, like my insides are slowly dying. People just keep telling me to be happy, but they don’t understand that my emotions won’t let me. I need help, but no one is there to help me, nobody notices my actual pain. Maybe I try to keep up my happy front so that no one will notice, maybe I can’t let anyone in. My depression is too much to handle, but my anxiety makes it so much worse, like adding gas to a flame. When they hold on tight, time seems to move slow, hours start to feel like days and I don’t know what to do. When my anxiety takes over I start to panic, my breathing gets unsteady, my heart begins to race and I can’t bring myself to slow down. Sometimes taking deep breaths helps, but it’s like I was kicked in the chest and the air escaped my lungs, afterwards the panic comes back worse than before.

My depression and anxiety hold me captive, like a kidnapped child, screaming and crying for somebody to help, but nobody hears my distress calls. My depression holds me down, like an anchor pulling me down to the ocean floor. I sit in the deep darkness, drowning more and more with each passing minute, waiting to be released to float back up to the surface, then await for it to happen all over again. My life consisted of an emotional roller coaster of constant ups and downs, until one day when I met somebody. It’s like all the sadness faded away for a while, I had made a friend. I had friends before, but they all just kinda dropped off and didn’t really talk to me anymore, but I knew this one was different. He liked talking with me, walking with me to class, liked eating lunch with me, and even talked to me outside of school. We fought and argued sometimes, but we were still good friends afterwards and I was still really happy to have a real friend.

I remember one day at lunch, I told him I would be right back, I had to use the restroom. When I was finished, I came back to our table and saw him reading my journal where I had my personal thoughts and feelings written down. I stomped over to the table and snatched my journal from him. I began yelling at him and making a scene, he tried getting me to quiet down and be calm, I just told him not to tell me what to do. Something inside me made me want to lash out and hit him, but I knew I had to restrain myself in order to not get in trouble. I was so angry with him and I felt betrayed. A few days passed after that when he came to me and apologized, he knew what he did was out of line and wanted to give me some time to cool off. He asked for my forgiveness, I wasn’t sure if I should forgive him. My heart told me I should give him another chance, I really did miss him being around to talk to and hang out with. I decided to listen to myself and accept his apology, I understand that sometimes people make mistakes.

Since then, ten years have passed after our sophomore year in highschool, and we’ve been together all ten of those years and married for six. Right now I can hear him playing with our three year old son in the other room. It was because of him that I was able to get rid of my crutches and control my demons. It took that rough patch between us for me to realize that nobody is perfect and that it’s ok not to be perfect. It was all because he decided to be my one real friend that I can stand tall now and my life has been changed forever. If you’re struggling, I promise you that it gets better.